


Thank You, Satan

by Winkemoji



Category: Tales of Zestiria, アイ チュウ | Ai Chuu (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Death, M/M, Mostly Tales of Zestiria with some Ai chuu characters, Not Serious, Potentially offensive, The Church, The first scene is a Big Lipped Alligator Moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 07:56:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11331633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winkemoji/pseuds/Winkemoji
Summary: Mikleo starts to question his faith in God after falling in love with Sorey.





	Thank You, Satan

**Author's Note:**

> THIS FIC IS NOT SERIOUS. Also after the first scene the plot kicks in.

“Oh hai Mark!”

Tommy Wiseau says in a **_strange accent._**

“YO YO gabba gabba bitch.”

His son, a young **_lad_** named Denny, replies.

“Let us commence!”

Oh shit it’s time for the trial.

“The accused was seen at the scene of the crime! Therefore, he must be guilty!”

“SORE WA CHeyeGAU YO!” Naegi says in an obnoxiously loud voice.

“Yeah, what he said!” Leon says, despite not speaking Japanese.

“Toransureishon: No, that’s wrong!” Marth says with a heavy Japanese accent.

“Ah oui, maintenant je comprends. Merci beaucoup pour ton aide ( : ” Leon says, suddenly able to speak fluent French.

**_’’_** It was no problem bro. You can thank me later.” Tomoda says even though he didn’t do anything.

“Get your shit together! This is a trial!” Slim Jim says, making his obligatory cameo.

* * *

 

“Sorey, where did you put the magik buk?”

“I put it with the fire-breathing water-proof electric fish.”

“Okay thanks- wait wat?”

“Shhhhh… don’t question it.” Sorey whispers creepily.

“Hey, remember that time I kissed you?” Mikleo says with a hopeful smile.

“I was a light ball, it doesn’t count!”

“Oh, I see! Sorr(e)y for bringing it up.”

Poor Mikleo. When will senpai notice his feelings? He needed to ask someone knowledgeable…

* * *

 

“Where am I?”

For some reason, Mikleo currently found himself at some strange all boys high school called, “Etoile Vio School”. What was the meaning of this?

“ME AND NOAH ARE SOULMATES HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Who the fuck just said that? Some orange haired punk with no indoor voice?

“We’re outside, idiot.”

Lucas said **_TO THE NARRATOR!?!_** Holy shot, is he omniscient?

“Leon, you know I only have feelings for Seiya!!!”

“NOAH HOW COULD YOU!?!”

Leon commit seppuku.

Lucas smiled brightly while looking at Leon’s corpse. He imagined how much happier he would be without that little bitch to annoy the fuck out of him.

“Umm… Excuse me, but how should I get senpai to notice me?” Mikleo asked hesitantly.

“Listen, I think it would be best if would just kill yourself.” Rabi said.

“Why?”

“Think about it: You’re just inconveniencing them with your feelings, right? The chances of some random fuck feeling the same are next to none. The fact that you insist on whining about your stupid feelings while millions of others who are far less privileged than you suffer with real problems shows that you lack significant self awareness and must be a Trump voter. Now, if you were a woman, it would be different. However, you’re just some privileged straight white male. Why should anyone care about your problems when you make women suffer just by existing?” sjw!Rabi smiles for some reason.

“Wait, I’m not straight. My senpai is male.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry! You’re g@y? Well in that case… Wait, what? G@y man can no longer enter the oppression Olympics? Sorry not sorry.”

Mikleo runs away to a church to be saved by Jesus.

* * *

 

“Priest, I’ve been wondering… Does god not love me just because I’m gay?”

“Hahaha, silly Mikleo. God loves all of his children. Christians who hate gay people aren’t really being proper Christians.”

“But, why do you get to decide what a proper Christian is? Everyone who calls themselves Christian would insist the same thing! How am I supposed to know what being a Christian really means?!? Doesn’t the bible say being gay is wrong?!?”

“In the bible, it does say hate the sin and not the sinner.”

“But homophobia is supposed to be a Christian thing! It’s always been! Don’t you hate people because of their actions, not independently from them? I mean, people hate murderers because of their actions!”

“You’re thinking too much about it. Just accept God’s will and you will be saved.”

“But I’m going to hell because I’m gay! How can god punish someone he loves in good conscience?”

“It’s like how a mother might punish her child. She doesn’t hate him, she just wants to teach him the right way to live.”

“What is the right way to live?”

“Just follow the bible.”

Mikleo doesn’t know what to think. Can he really just blindly follow orders? Will that make him a good person? He misses the days where things weren’t complicated like this. Ever since he developed feelings for Sorey, he’s started questioning his faith. He supposed that maybe it would be better if he just blindly followed that bible. However, would he really be dissimilar to people who just blindly followed their favourite party’s politician, without questioning anything? Or even to the Nazis, who blindly followed Hitler’s orders? What would that make him? If only he wasn’t gay… Mikleo wasn’t stupid enough to believe in things like conversion therapy, nor did he believe that god could change his sexuality. He only had one place to go now…

* * *

 

“Excuse me, sir, you have a guest!”

“Who is it at this hour?”

“Looks like some white-haired pretty boy!”

“Is he gay?”

“Probably!”

“Alright, send him in.”

Mikleo waited nervously outside the door. Suddenly, he heard a loud creaking sound and the door slowly opened for him to enter. He went inside, hurrying to his destination. He needed to reach the man who lived here: Satan himself.

“Satan, can you make me straight?”

“Yeah, sure. But it’ll cost you your soul.” Satan says with a bored voice.

“That’s alright; it’s not worth much anyway.”

“Before you give me your soul, I gotta ask. Is this really what you want? I get a lot of kids like you. You know, gay kids questioning their faith and all that. I can’t tell you whether it’s okay to be gay or not. I’m Satan, for Christ’s sake! I know I’m not the best person to give moral advice. But, all of you are all the same, thinkin’ you’re not worth much and all that. Let me tell you, there’s nothing worth more than a human soul. Your souls are already irreplaceable. I don’t think you need to change it just cuz’ some priest told you to.”

“But, Sorey will never return my feelings!”

“Hahahaha! Don’t worry, Mikleo. That guy totally has feelings for you. I have an excellent gaydar, so I would know. Why don’t you get out of this place and go talk to him?”

“Thank you, Satan.”

Mikleo smiles, then runs back to Sorey, ready to confess his feelings.

“Sorey, I- “

As Mikleo runs across the street, he doesn’t notice the pedestrian signal blaring a bright red. Before the man in the truck can hear Sorey scream, he drives forward, crushing Mikleo’s body underneath.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Sorey screams to the heavens.

Sorey rushes over. Mikleo is unrecognizable under the truck, his body bloody and flattened. If only Sorey had worked up the nerve to confess…

The end

Not smoooooooooooooooooooooooch


End file.
